Letter to the Editor

Sadly, I missed the Monday deadline. So here’s the supplemental weekly (Thursday news dump) update from campaign headquarters here at The Paper Radio.

It is with tragic countenance, severe disappointment and near tearful sadness that I announce I must herewith and forthwith suspend, cease and desist my unforgettably glorious presidential campaign.

Although my chosen party — the independent grassroots Yugahdabee-Flippinkidin Party — is clearly the one and only sane voice and true representation of the power of the people, we have been heinously and deliberately excluded from both media attention and the dubious usefulness of the inter and intra-party debates.

Curses, CNN!

Thus I have long-suffered and bravely endured a critical lack of appropriate funding — and illicit spoils — and therefore must join the long and, um, colourful list of failed candidates excluded and cruelly truncated by the odious machinations of the Powers-That-Be.

Yet, even in the face of such dark and devious plotting, I will endure. We will rebuild. I have not yet begun to fight. Damn the torpedoes. Etc.

So, that’s about it. If you will excuse me, I must collect my participation trophy/sympathy chit, slink into the back corner of the safe space/weep locker, and bawl my eyes out betwixt and between random temper tantrums.

Such are the spoils of modern politics.

That said, good afternoon, Paris! I hope this brought a smile to your Thursday. Have a great week.

Dan Beard


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